TenTonHammer.com - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

An Editorial by Coyote, Ten Ton Hammer’s Resident Humorist

All RPG's and MMOG's have one thing in common:

The core group.

Despite the names given, genres explored or positions labeled, every good adventuring party eventually breaks down into the four key components of a group: fighter, rogue, magic user and cleric. And while each role is crucial in its own right, every classification deems itself the cornerstone of success and puffs out its chest to boast its many merits.

And therein lies the problem.

There are four key components of any group: a fighter, rogue, magic user, and cleric.

Perception versus actuality. How we see ourselves versus how others view us. Yet there is no way to make these different pieces of the puzzle see themselves for what they truly are - a fraction of the whole. Each is so convinced that the others would be lost without them that they can't see the truth for what it is.

Luckily, we can. And we have no qualms on turning the mirror back upon the gazer and giving them the cold hard stare.

From the Fighter’s point of view: You're the backbone. The no-guff-taking force behind any group. Let the finger wagglers and the ass stabbers dodge and weave through battle - you don't have time for sissy tactics. Sure you might have to take a few punches for the good of the team, but they are YOUR team and by god you're going to protect them. With your unstoppable might paired with a reliable cleric there is no foe that you can't beat into submission or obstacle that you can't chop your way through.

Stomping faces and breaking bones is your business and business is GOOD. OOORAH!

How you are seen: You're a big meaty wall of stupid.

We're not sure where your common sense went, but we honestly thank the gods for its leaving. 900 angry goblins attacking? Get behind the tank. Angry dragon ready to chew its way through the party? Get behind the tank. Need a scapegoat to take the brunt of the damage as you scamper off unharmed?

I think you see the point.

While you may envision yourself as the noble knight sacrificing his own safety to keep his party alive, or the towering wall of muscle valiantly roaring into battle, we see an acceptable loss. Fighter classes are the collateral damage of battle and those of use who can't take a hit without folding like a fat chick on a lawn chair are damn thankful for them.

Rogue: You are the night. A living and breathing shadow. You slip in and out of combat like liquid death and have saved your group a dozen times without them even knowing it. You are no one, yet everyone. You blend and you disappear to the point that you've occasionally forgotten your real name.

The scout. The ranger. The tracker. An indispensable member of the group who deals in secrets and information the way that others deal in services or goods. You are the personification of stealth and you know that your party not only needs, but appreciates you.

How you are seen: You're a sneaky little loot whore.

Where WERE you exactly during that battle? Oh, behind the mob? Attacking from the rear and doing massive damage where no one saw you so they can't contradict your story?

How convenient.

You disappear during combat and no one sees hide nor hair of you until it comes time to split the loot. Then you're first in line with your sticky little figures waggling for the coins that you claim you deserve. You stand at the edge of our field of vision, constantly disappear from the fray and magically materialize as soon as there is gold to be had.

Every party member sees themselves as an indispensable portion of their group.

The tank is a bloody mess who has died over a half a dozen times. The cleric is pouring sweat and out of mana as the area lays scorched and blackened by the magical energy thrown by our mage and you aren't even WINDED?

A likely story.

No one trusts you, no one knows exactly what it is you do, and this is why no one likes you. The moment you leave the room we all spit in your soda. How tight are your leotards now Robin Hood?

Wizard: With a flick of your wrist the gods tremble. Forgotten languages, ancient spells and long dead languages unravel before your unparalleled intellect like a child's toy. You command the elements themselves as you hurl bolts of lighting at those who would dare oppose you, throwing spheres of flame at any that would stand in defiance.

You aren't a magic USER - you *ARE* magic. You are the arcane energies that flow through you as you use ancient rites and rituals to ensure your rise to power. No goal is unreachable, and no level of achievement unattainable. Because you have the knowledge, patience and ability to unravel the mysteries of the world.

You are magi.

How you are seen: Yeah, you did a great job on my math homework, Melvin. Keep it up and someday the wedgies will stop.

Wizards are the locker stuffed geeklings of the gaming world. They speak their own language, wear odd clothing, and unless they're helping you figure out a mind numbingly complex puzzle or deciphering an archaic script, you pretty much forget they're around.

Which is probably how they like it.

Let's face it, the only one who understands a wizard, is another wizard. And while you can be a damage dealing powerhouse, the moment that combat is over we forget you were ever in it. At least the tank has wounds to show that he was in the battle, you have what? Some Harry Potter glasses and your mother's bathrobe. It doesn't matter that you just did 90% of the damage to the monster or that without you we'd all be taking a tour through a demon's colon.

When the battle is done, the guy with the flowing blonde hair and rippling muscles gets the girl.

Luckily for you that you have your classes in speaking Klingon and the newest DVD collection of Battlestar Gallactica to keep you from dwelling on the fact that you're going to die alone.

Cleric: You laugh in the face of death. Not the mocking laugh of some muscle-bound oaf too foolish to see his own demise, but a laugh of triumph because you know that unlike the others...

...you can defeat death at its own game.

You heal the injured, cure the sickened, and above all else - you snatch the dying from the jaws of death so that they may live another day. You are a GOD. In your presence there is no fear, no sickness, and if you do your job as well as you know that you do, no dying.

The reaper shakes in anger at your approach, and rightly he should. Your powers of healing are second to no other and your touch has robbed the grave of its occupant more times than you could possibly remember. Without you there is no group, no party, and no adventure. You're more than a healer, you're an insurance policy. You are a guarantee of success, a promise of victory and on the lips and hearts of the dying, you are salvation.

In truth, every member is just a small part of a larger whole.

Do no harm...

How you are seen: Oh look! A fresh box of band-aids.

You tend to the sick and make everyone better? So you're a nurse.

Let's face it - past your oath and your dedication to making everyone healthy and keeping them all from dying, you REALLY don't care. If you did you wouldn't have picked one of the laziest classes possible.

I know. I know. Being a healer is hard, people count on you, you make or break a group. Really? Wow, you'd think if it was that important you'd TURN OFF THE GOD DAMN DVD, CLOSE YOUR IM'S, AND PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR GROUP YOU WEB SURFING PORN ADDICT!

Healers are the laziest bastages out there. They want all the prestige that comes with a crucial role, but without all of the work and effort that goes into it. And even if they do a good job, you can't commend them because they're AFK or engrossed in a movie that they have playing while they're healing.

You're a band-aid in a pretty dress. Nothing more, nothing less.

Now turn off that "behind the scenes" bonus footage and get ready for the fight. And I'm sending you tells during combat to keep you honest. We might have one eye on that loot skimming Rogue, but the other is resting on your lazy ass.

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Disclaimer: The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the Ten Ton Hammer network or staff.